foreveralone69, 15

Stuff Going On

foreveralone69, 15

I am currently in the ninth grade.I only went one time to school this year. Why, you ask? Well, because I'm highly depressed. I sometimes want to physically hurt myself, but I'm smarter than that; and I meditate instead. No, I don't have a therapist. My mom doesn't know that I feel this way. I cry because I'm hurting. I noticed I'm not happy anymore, and I pretend to be happy 95% of the time. I've always had memories of being sexually touched when I was very little, but I don't know if it's true or not. I remember every little detail. I don't know if it's a horrible dream or what. My life isn't perfect. In the seventh grade, I was so into this boy, and I wanted him and only him. After a few months of being friends, I told him how I felt, and he told me that he liked me when he first met me; but I didn't show it, so he stopped. But a few days later, he messaged me on Facebook and basically asked me out. Three days passed, and then he broke up with me. He told me the only reason he dated me was because he felt bad for me, and that lowered my self-esteem a lot. I just want to be happy! But I don't know how!

foreveralone69, despite the heartbreak that you've experienced and the possible assault that you may have had in the past, you can have happiness if you properly readjust the way you see and understand those experiences and move on to people and things that bring you joy in life.
If you continue to feel highly depressed, it might be in your best interests to talk to your mom about it and open up a conversation that would allow her to offer her help. As your mom, she can be one of your greatest supporters if you allow her to come to your aid.
If you find it difficult to approach your mom, consider speaking with your dad first; he might be able to give some guidance and even act as a go-between if you're having trouble confiding in your mom. You might consider asking your dad to help you better explain your situation so that your mom understands what you're feeling.
Try narrowing down the reasons for your depression before you approach either parent. If the memories of those sexual encounters are mainly responsible for your depression, it's natural that you might feel uncomfortable talking to your parents about them.
Of course, it's not easy to get over such disturbing memories; and the boy who cruelly hurt you after dating you for three days certainly added on to the pain that you were already experiencing. It's natural for you to feel this way, and it's good that you are meditating to find peace and calm after all that's been done.
What you might want to consider now is finding friends and activities that you enjoy, that bring your happiness. Think about sports or activities or clubs or events, and try to find something that will enrich your life and help you move past the sadness. Think about the hobbies and pastimes that you enjoy, and consider spending more time with friends who can help you get stronger and happier. Once you're at a happier place, then you might consider looking back on these past experiences and figuring out what you can learn and take from them; leave the pain behind.